Out of boredom, I'm posting. It's Saturday night--I'm at home. I've not been to the hospital today, I just wanted to stay home, so I did.

Because no one that I know reads this, I can be open about how I feel right now. I can be the "me" that I want to be; honest. I like to put on a good show for my friends and family because I don't want them to know what's going on or try to get in to my head and business. I've always been that way...and I prefer it. There's nothing worse to me than someone knowing something is wrong and wearing you the hell out about it..lol

The bottom line is that I'm emotionally frail right now. I'm so full I can't take any more or at least I don't think I can. I cry--alot--more than I want to. I am jealous of some of my closest friends because they have normalcy and I don't. It makes me mad and then I don't want to talk to them, which isn't fair. They don't know and I know better....

Tonight for instance. My friend said that he would call me tonight (this was earlier in the day) and we would chat. He hasn't called. I'm sure it's that he is out with one of his other friends, which is not a crime, but it does upset me. The only way that I can explain it is that I feel like my world is falling apart and he can go to the bar? It's not fair to him or any of my other friends for me to feel that way, but I do. It's as if my world stopped turning and no one elses did.

I've felt this way for a while, at least since October of last year when my dad had a real bad spell and on Halloween night, all my buddies were out having a good ol' time while I was in ICU watching my world fall apart at my feet. I'm a little bitter about it, I admit. Sure, had I asked any one of them to come up there and sit with me they would have, but the thought that they could go out and have fun while I was slowly dying inside just burned me up.

So I need to get over it, right?

Oh that's just it. I'm over it allright. I'm quite over it all.